2024: The Plot Thickens

This year has been an incredbily interesting time in my life. There's been a few developments that were unexpected, for better and for worse.

Let's start with my favorite development! My mental health and competency with that!

Last year, I celebrated surviving clinical depression and countless years of suicidal ideation and attempts as well as self-harm. I had finally made it out, but I knew it wasn't over. The thought loomed of "you can't cure these things, it just went quiet. Where did it go? When will it come back? Will I be ready for it when it does?" Like preparing for an enemy attack, I felt anxiety, but I was also concerned that I had no idea what I was preparing for. The way I handled my mental health in the past is different to how I handle things now, and I didn't know how effective the new methods would be! The episodes had opportunity to return this year, but remained just that - episodes. Brief moments in time where I struggled or felt the weight I once carried daily.

The biggest thing I learned prior to my first episode and had confirmed in subsequent episodes was the specific type of depression I carry. It's Psychotic Depression. The day I learnt about Psychotic Depression, I felt all the keys click into place and my world made so much more sense. Reflecting on my past of believing in delusions, auditory and sensory hallucinations, truly living in a world of my own, but ONLY during depressive episodes. I am not psychotic in my day to day life, but once things begin to sink again... the false truths begin to take root. The personification of my depression was named FI to stand for "fictional instinct." I felt myself going crazy as a kid, I felt my grasp on my sanity slipping, I documented that so well...

Learning the enemy army's name was a good start, but I still didn't know how to combat it. At first, taking knowledge from my past experiences, I believed there no way to combat it after it's arrived. I can only prevent it. I recall specifically feeling hatred towards anyone who tried to help, and so I did the opposite of what people recommended. Knowing this, I reached out to the people I'm closes with and let them know my struggle and what to do if something happens. We took preventitive measures, including my creation of a quiz for myself to take to establish the condition of my mental state - whether or not I'm okay.

Finally, one typical tuesday, I crashed into the enemy in a big episode. The disassociation was strong enough for me to be a distant observer in my mind, narrating the red flags to myself in my mind. I took note of every experience I had, every feeling, every thought. Then it came to a head and I started to have a break down. I sat in the bathroom at work, feeling utter terror that the threat still existed in such a severe capacity. Fearful that someday, I could rip everything apart again just like I did before, destroying something I never recovered. As I felt things slipping away from me, I practiced a method I had read online in keeping myself from going off the deep end; reciting to myself everything my individual senses were experiencing. The cold bathroom floor on my hands, the hum of the machines, the smell of the bleach, etc. It got me stable within 20 minutes, allowing me to finish work and go home. I still felt messed up about it for a week after, but I was okay. The experience taught me so much about how to handle when these things happen.

But it also envigorated me to learn more.

"I should let myself sink deeper next time and fight it back again."

I loved the victory, I wanted more. I've had a few other episodes this year, although a lot minor and some even being from different parts of my brain, and I've managed to fight them off consistently. Every time I do, I feel more and more powerful. Could it be that someday the psychosis is merely an annoyance I fight off without even focussing on it?

I fight for that satisfaction in victory, but I also fight for the things I love. The cats I care for, and the friends I've made this year. Neko and I have been closer than ever - in a way I (somehow) never expected! It's been 6 months since we officially got into a relationship. I am still solidly aro/ace, I was plenty content with our set up prior to getting together. My crushes on Neko when we were kids were never "I want to be with him" crushes, nor were my crushes as an adult. But Neko asked, and I didn't want to give him a frivolous answer. I spent hours digging through my journal for an answer before realizing "it shouldn't be this hard to say no." I didn't want to reject him, and it was so easy to accept the change - not to mention, he and I have been flirting for the entire time we've known one another, I think we owe it to ourselves to give it a shot. It's technically 6 months, but it's unofficially been the entire year of 2024. I didn't know what it was like to feel loved before Neko and I's new friendship, let alone before we were in a relationship. When I was concerned about my mental health, he drew a picture that said "if you're sad, maybe you should talk to your boyfriend about it!!!" and I had it printed as a poster for myself. I've talked to him about everything, and he's been helpful. He's not just listening, but mirrors my desire to fix things and come up with strategies to continue to fight these issues. I'll be getting an estate inheritance at some point next year from my father, and I want to use some of it to go see Neko.

Being so close to Neko again has also resulted in my participation in a group of friends! It feels like a vibrant, thriving version of my group from back in the day. Although my social battery can run empty easily there, I have fun and cherish my time with everyone. It's not perfect or ideal, but it's exactly where I'm comfortable. It's almost started to feel like home...

Speaking of home! Today marks the day the lease was signed to the house. Here shortly, I'll be moving into an honest-to-goodness HOUSE. Thanks to befriending the right people, I've not only gained a real HOUSE to live in, but free rent for a year through grant funding for human trafficking victims! I didn't realize my experiences with my sister counted as that, but here we are. I'll have a safe, secure and ROOMY house to live in without someone else ruling over my life for the first time ever. I'll be free, I'll be safe, I'll be comfortable. The plans I have are numerous. There's also an old victorian basement!

I could probably write more, but those are the major threads I wanted to cover about this year! I'm looking forward to next year and the life I'll be getting to live from here on out.

Rank: A