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This page is for live/more frequent updates! A good place for me to get out some thoughts now as opposed to at the end of the year!
Y'know, when I came back, I began trying to find all my friends again. It wasn't easy, since most of them went on to have normal offline lives. But I put out a line and people came back. I got to speak to a few of them for what would be the last time. But, well, it wasn't enough. One of them won't talk to me, the other I have a ton of respect for but we don't talk often, nor do we have much in common. I've been able to say hi to most of the old group, except for two of them. Two of them I've been trying to hunt down for 2-3 years now. It's tough, one of them seems to have 0 online presence connected to any of her information that I know (good!!!) and the other just kinda vanished off the face of the planet. I've sent out a message on their last most active profile, but I don't expect to get a reply - it's been about a year, after all. It frustrates me to know if I had checked that page earlier, I might've been able to say hello again.
I try really hard to find these people, people I LOVED once upon a time. With that one person not responding to me, it makes me sad to know they might also do the same even if I manage to find them. I want this one victory, to find two people I treasured once and tell them that much, tell them what's been going on with me, find out more about what's been going on with them. Maybe even talk more, but I suspect that might not happen. What could we possibly have in common? Not much, I guess. But I'd still like to check on them. Even if we aren't friends anymore, I consider them "my" people, I feel some sort of responsibility over them somehow. Maybe because I abandoned them...
I want to make things right.
At this point, I feel like I've done everything I possibly can. I think the ball is in their court. But until I find some big clue as to how to find them, I'll keep looking. I'll keep scavaging up information and trying to find you guys. I miss yall. Squirrel, Kinji, I'm gonna find you guys and say hi again. Yall were cool to know. If it takes me 20 years, I'll keep looking.
I've recently been able to put into words some feelings I've always had, but never been capable of discussing or even recognizing. After a call with some friends, someone yet again held back around me. I get it, I'm ace and people generally assume that means I'm just an innocent child who can't hear about obcenities. But when I've repeatedly said rude shit myself, and direclty said "I hate when people censor themselves around me," it kinda sucks when people continue to treat me, effectively, like a child. This recognition got me thinking about how I could fix it, but I began to realize something rather depressing. I don't think I ever can. I've noticed in so many ways how I'm just too different, how hard it is for me to feel like I belong, like I fit in to whatever space I'm in, even outside of social situations. I feel wrong, like I just never belong anywhere. The last place I belonged is either gone, or I just don't belong there anymoe - maybe both.
I only really feel like I belong around one person, but that's not enough no matter how much I love that person. I think back in the day, I had built my own friendgroup as my attempt to force a space into existence where I felt like I truly belonged there. It worked for a while. It got uprooted, but it worked... until I noticed how little I had in common with them. Maybe it's because they were all teenage girls and I was a teenage boy trapped in a girl's body, maybe it's because they were constantly trying on new identities like it was going out of fashion to the point it kinda felt gross and thus made me refuse to address my own feelings until I was well into adulthood. Either way, I never truly belonged there, even in my own hand crafted home...
The group I'm in now? I have way more in common with them. They're pretty honest and considerate, but there's still one big issue... I'm not like them. I don't fit in with girls because I'm a trans guy, I don't fit in with boys because I'm a trans guy. I fall somewhere in the in-between, but I don't feel comfortable telling people that much, I fear the reactions or jokes or it just complicating things or alienating more people. I don't like other queer groups, I feel even MORE like an outsider there, it's either really hostile or way TOO welcoming, nothing feels natural.
In the end, I don't yearn for more anymore. I think I did once, but early on I knew I wouldn't get it, which pushed me to becoming anti-social. Now, I'm mentally stable enough to say I did once want something more, a place I felt like I belonged. I've had such brief glimpses of that feeling, it could bring me to tears even now... I miss my brothers.
But I do think I've truly accepted it. I did that a long time ago. There's no solution for me, is there? Finding new places where I belong AND other people I care about could belong would be so tiring, and I don't want to go it alone. I will be alone for a long time because of who I am, possibly forever. In ways that I can't do anything about. I can't demand to be connected with, that's absurd. I can't change, I already did that. When I didn't fit in with my ex in my own way, I changed myself to be exactly what he wanted, and I almost committed horrid crimes over it.
I feel like I'm a triangle in a box of a bunch of circles. I can't bend myself in any way to fit in with them, to be alike. But I am the strongest shape, and I will prevail in spite of that. I may not be like you, but I am okay with that.
That last little episode I had written about erre definitely had some roots in worrying my mental illness would eventually become too much for those around me. How could I not feel that way when my ex dumped me for being depressed? In such a cruel turn of events, describing to me his cheating in such detail. I didn't want to know that shit, it made me sick. I regret nothing with how I acted at the end. Oh, uh, anyway... yeah, I guess there was just a lot of concern surrounding that. But then Neko and I had a chat about stuff, specifically one's motivations for doing cruel things or acting in a way that's unpleasant or ends up being hurtful. He was talking about someone else, someone who hurt him, and used me as an example. He said "I know you're mentally ill" to say he knows my motives for acting out of character, he can understand and accept that. Despite it not being what we were talking about, it immediately cleared up that concern I couldn't voice. I can't say "I'm worried I'll become too much to deal with" or "I'm concerned you'll lose patience and grace for my issues, so I put a lot of pressure on myself when I'm feeling bad to handle it in a productive manner and not let myself fall." But at the very least, I don't really feel that anymore. I'll have small little episodes here and there, but it's nothing I can't handle, and it's nothing I'm worried about people getting tired of.
Ultimtaely, I know that the people who leave me behind because of my struggles aren't worth having around, and don't deserve to see me at my best. I've been so fortunate as to figure out the key to my mental illness and be happy and at my best in spite of it, it's been really good! I'm glad Neko is here to see me at my best, to see what I'm actually like.
I also recently posted a message in our vent channel about my issues with being "annoying." Because I was always told I was annoying, or people gave me their subtle little social cues that I was annoying them. Y'know, I could mostly recognize those cues (albiet, a little late), but I never took them. I'd decide "oh, I'm making you that annoyed? Let me keep it going!" I guess it kept me in some kind of control over it all, not leaving the conversation when they wanted me to.
But I was able to identify something important. I eventually came up with a way to counterbalance how annoying I can be with being extremely flattering to people. If I can't make them enjoy being around me by being myself, I can make them enjoy being around me by being incredibly pleasant. Neko is able to see past my annoying behavior and like me for who I really am, but the majority of people who "like" me will end up liking me because I make them feel admired or respected, or something along those lines. Because I encourage them. You might argue "well, what's wrong with that? More people should do that!" but I don't want to be liked for what I do! I want to be liked for who I am. But, if nothing else, there are a few people who aren't around enough for me to feel like I should be flattering, so they are now either just very polite (which usually doesn't last long), or they like me based on character traits and the like. Which I still prefer. I'm not a tool for you to feel better, after all. For longevity in relationships, I need people to like ME. My last relationship was all flattery, I believe. I wasn't myself around him enough for him to ever like who I really am. I certainly hope he could say the same, but he would tell me otherwise back then, so I guess he really is just someone I find incredibly annoying. Funny, that. In the cases where people find me annoying, I don't ask for them to change their mind or anything at all. I get that people just don't jive well together sometimes, and that's entirely fine! I'd just prefer that we as a society could say that much and stop wasting eath other's time and hurting each other. I can happily say "you're not my person, you're not my kind" and nobody ever gets upset with me, confronts me, they understand it. I've been so honest with people in S2, and nobody hates me for it. I like being honest, I like telling people what I really think about social things or them or anything! You just have to do it right, and I know how to do it right. Everytime people said I was doing a good job at work while I wasn't even really doing anything, I'd call them out and say "I'm not even doing anything, don't give me empty compliments" and as long as I had the right tone, it was fine! I got them to stop! Nothing I hate more than empty compliments...
I'm rambling a bit, and honestly some percentage of that motivation is the sound of my keyboard vibrating through my desk and into my mic which I can currently hear through my headphones, it's a nice sound... so I'll cut it off here!
I feel better now. I've felt spiteful and annoyed and a little angry all day, but it's slowly washing away now. I've been weak as of late, I've been tearing myself down and removing my defences, so this time was particularly bad... but I think I'm coming out of it. At least for now.
Getting better soon...
I noticed why my mind does what it does when I'm feeling bad. In a specific way.
I start feeling bad, depressed. In that, it follows that I start to feel the need to escape that feeling. But because I can't just walk away from it, that tends to manifest in thoughts I never share with anybody, because I think to some extent I feel bad for what my feelings are and what I think about.
I feel like, because I can't literally walk away from feeling bad, because I can't solve my problems more directly, I need to make some kind of sweeping change to OTHER aspects of my life. I feel like one thing is falling apart, or changing in a way I don't like, so I have to tear down something else. The thing in particular that's popped into my mind several times while I feel bad lately, while I feel like it's happening more and more often, is "I don't know I'm the kind of person who should be in a relationship"
Fear that I'm so inherently broken mentally, even if I can come out of it, that these events will be too common, that I shouldn't be near people.
Last night I had this sense of dread, this gut wrenching feeling that my walking around was the last time I'd do it. That obviously wasn't true, but it felt monumental and I hated that.
To be completely honest, I think how we've treated my past misery has been a little bad for future situations. I feel like I shouldn't bring these things up in any depth, because it's an echo of things you've expressed disliking interacting with. So I don't bring these thoughts to you, or to anyone, despite it all.
"How many times can I get away with feeling bad?" without spinning it in a positive way. I don't feel good, I feel like I did before, and I know that's incorrect, but I also feel like I've learned nothing because I can't confront this one. It's not a problem I can solve. I can't move forward, and I start to feel my world melting around me.
