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This page is for live/more frequent updates! A good place for me to get out some thoughts now as opposed to at the end of the year!

3/15/25 - 11:19:16

I noticed why my mind does what it does when I'm feeling bad. In a specific way.
I start feeling bad, depressed. In that, it follows that I start to feel the need to escape that feeling. But because I can't just walk away from it, that tends to manifest in thoughts I never share with anybody, because I think to some extent I feel bad for what my feelings are and what I think about.
I feel like, because I can't literally walk away from feeling bad, because I can't solve my problems more directly, I need to make some kind of sweeping change to OTHER aspects of my life. I feel like one thing is falling apart, or changing in a way I don't like, so I have to tear down something else. The thing in particular that's popped into my mind several times while I feel bad lately, while I feel like it's happening more and more often, is "I don't know I'm the kind of person who should be in a relationship"
Fear that I'm so inherently broken mentally, even if I can come out of it, that these events will be too common, that I shouldn't be near people.
Last night I had this sense of dread, this gut wrenching feeling that my walking around was the last time I'd do it. That obviously wasn't true, but it felt monumental and I hated that.

To be completely honest, I think how we've treated my past misery has been a little bad for future situations. I feel like I shouldn't bring these things up in any depth, because it's an echo of things you've expressed disliking interacting with. So I don't bring these thoughts to you, or to anyone, despite it all.

"How many times can I get away with feeling bad?" without spinning it in a positive way. I don't feel good, I feel like I did before, and I know that's incorrect, but I also feel like I've learned nothing because I can't confront this one. It's not a problem I can solve. I can't move forward, and I start to feel my world melting around me.

3/15/25 - 9:00:43

I feel better now. I've felt spiteful and annoyed and a little angry all day, but it's slowly washing away now. I've been week as of late, I've been tearing myself down and removing my defences, so this time was particularly bad... but I think I'm coming out of it. At least for now.

Getting better soon...